The Fat Bike Diaries #1

“Gravity Bullseye Monster”

No, not the methamphetamine charged energy drink only available from the mysterious corners of the Darknet or self proclaimed micro states floating in international waters, I’m talking ’bout my new “fat bike”!

What’s a fat bike, you ask… Well, it’s basically a mountain bike with huge tires…

In this case 4 inch wide trail tearing, holy f#!√∑&ing $#!+ ripping, vulcanized fury!!!

Sorry, that was the other Gravity Bullseye Monster talking…

A case of these things showed up a couple days after the bike, must have been a mix up! I thought they banned this stuff in the states… Oh well, down the hatch!


The bike was simple to assemble and required very little tuning to get it running nice. I’d never ridden a bike with tires so wide, and some differences became immediately apparent…

PROTIP: You know those suburban curbs that are gently curved? They will try and throw your ass right off one of these things if you’ve got the tires too low! Watch out!

Aside from almost getting curb hurled, it was a pretty enjoyable first ride, but jeez, lugging those big wheels around is a real ‘b’!

Then, when I got home and pumped the tires up to the correct pressure…

it was like riding a whole different bike! Much, much more fun, and no lugging!

Protip: Correctly inflate your tires.


Took the bike to Japanese Gulch to ride with my friend J-Bird. It did awesome on the trails!

We got down to the access road along the ballast, which is basically a long mixed gravel hill which parallels a railroad spur.

J-Bird pulls away so fast that it’s clear to me that he no longer has any regard for his life. I’m timidly feathering my brakes as he disappears around the next bend like a low flying cruise missle.

I was taking a slightly more sane approach, and it was going just fine for me. That is until I started into a patch of really chunky, loose rock. Suddenly it was as if I was riding a mechanical bull hurtling downhill in a shopping cart.

I knew I was screwed, so I ditched before being tossed a dozen feet down the railroad embankment.

The crash landing left me a crumpled mess of man, bike and rocks, but better off than at the bottom of the ditch. As I began to unfurl from the wreck, I smiled and waved at a woman and her dog, who were gawking from a short distance away.

“No, really! I’m doing this for fun!”

The rest of the ride went better, except that my right pedal started twisting out of its thread, most likely due to my mechanical ineptitude. When we got back I was able to reset it, however it had suffered some damage to the threading.

Oh well, what are ya gonna do?

Think I’ll crack open another can of Gravity Bullseye Monster and work on the pedal for ten hours… man, these things are good… so much energy! Gonna go disassemble the shed and count the nails!

Tune in next time for The Fat Bike Diaries #2

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